Religious writer claims Golden Girls causes homosexuality // Current
The guarantee of free speech in the USA doesn’t guarantee intelligent speech. Sometimes, though, free speech yields unintentionally hilarious results, as is the case with an article by Stephenson Billings. In « The Golden Girls: How One TV Show Turned a Generation of American Boys Into Homosexuals, » Mr. Billings puts forth his world-view on ‘The Golden Girls’ and gay males, and it is a doozy.
Some of the articles’ highlights:
Reason for ‘Golden Girls’ Success:
« Maybe we wanted to believe old age wasn’t dominated by infections and hip problems, loneliness and crushing depression before death finally stomps us out like the acrid end of a damp cigarette. »
Reason for Show’s Appeal to Gay Men:
« Desperate for a firm hand in their lives, they gravitated to the subversive undercurrent of masculinity in these aged matrons… It gave them an excuse to wear tight jeans and to sneak off to public parks for quick releases with hairy men of different ethnicities… The show lit a match which enflamed their intense physical urges. »
The Impact of ‘Golden Girls’ on Society:
« The results were disastrous. Our horny, lonely boys sought out intimate comforts with like-minded Golden Girls addicts who didn’t mind each others’ theatrical voices and touch-feely hand gestures. When the rush of cheesecake and gabfests wore thin, these hairless boys needed a harder thrill… This led to the worse excesses of early homosexual visibility– the most enormous of drag queens, the dirtiest of leather daddies, the most enticing of twinkie boys… »
The Impact of ‘Golden Girls’ on Gay People:
« If you walk down the street today and bump into a middle-aged homosexual, chances are that the nasty comeback he will shout at you is something he picked up from Dorothy Zbornak of the Golden Girls…Dorothy taught the gays to speak very fast and have the most superior attitude possible. This formula has worked for many of your urban leather daddies and flaming queens, who attack with the swiftness of a ninja. It often happens that by the time I figure out what the insulting gay man has said to me, he is long gone… »
The Writer’s Thoughts on Blanche Devereaux:
« Blanche Devereaux, played by Rue McClanahan on the show, is one of the sluttiest sluts around. She will do anything to get anyone into her bedroom for hours of offensive copulation irregardless [sic] of her aging orifices… Blanche’s promiscuity is a common model for the personal lives of today’s homosexuals. Most gay relationships last a week. It is no coincidence that this is the amount of time between Golden Girl episodes when they first aired on primetime…Sadly, with the Golden Girls in weeknight syndication, the youngest gays have confused this timetable to mean they need five new boyfriends a week. »
The Outlook for the Future:
« Many are too old at this point to be pursuing anonymous street pickups and have settled into caustic relationships that are only monogamous out of mutual laziness… In a dozen years, the next logical step for these people is Florida. Will we see whole sections of this state devoted to horny gay retirees sporting the worst 1980s fashions? Will they follow in the lusty steps of their forebears, the Golden Girls? »
The writer has a real talent for crazy, no?